I have been dragging my feet on writing some books God has called me to write all because of my awareness of my sin. I know many of you may wonder what do I mean by that. Well because of the sin I still sometimes struggle with I often question how can I even be the one to speak to others about these topics God has pressed upon my heart. Last night the spirit of doubt stirred deeply within me causing me to question everything God had charged me to do. I am talking about the kind of doubt that leaves you feeling confused and in tears because you are all of a sudden not sure what you should do anymore. I began wrestling with a voice, which suddenly came from out of nowhere, questioning me with everything from
How can you preach God's word when you come from a messy past?
What are you doing, no one is going to read that?
Just like Paul describes in Romans 7:18 KJV "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not." I seem to constantly wrestle between my flesh and my spirit. For me, there is this ongoing battle to seek God's approval along with man's, but what the Holy Spirit has shown me is that I can't please both. This is also confirmed in Matthew 6:24 KJV which states "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other..." Ever since I was little, I have always been a people-pleaser. Rather it was my parents, teachers or peers, I would seek the approval of the important figures in my life. I believe this reaction came from wanting to fit in but even at an early age, I realized that I was different than those around me. Back then I did not fully understand the concept of being set apart, which Macmillan Dictionary describes as to make someone or something different and special. (Check out this confirmation of this definition in Romans 2:9-11!)
So back to the doubt, I was battling with that I mentioned earlier... Let me share with you how faithful God is! The next morning the Holy Spirit conveyed to me these words which spoke volumes to my situation
Will you still dance when no one's watching?
Will you still sing when no one's listening?
Will you still write when no one's reading?
Will you still do what God's called you to do?
These words challenged the defeat I was feeling and reminded me to focus on why I started working on my purpose in the first place. It was not to declare to myself that I was finally a writer or for me to say "Hey, look at what I have done!" but it was out of sheer obedience toward God. Mind you, I was the one who called out to God and asked Him to give my imperfect life purpose. Also, I did not want to be the person described in Luke 6:46 KJV which says "And why call ye me, Lord, Lord and do not the things which I say?" So if you are wrestling with embarrassment, shame or guilt from your past or even your present situation, I encourage you to take a look at Titus 2:11-12 and lastly, I leave you with the question the Holy Spirit asked me...
Will you still?